Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I Know I Know

What you did. What you've done. How you've touched and fucked up my life. Only now do I realize how much you atchully have affected me. It's scary how wrong I was about myself. I always felt that I would never be the kind of person to act the way I acted. To stoop down to the level of ones I felt were pathetic. Only now do I realize how pathetic I was. How sad and foolish my actions were. I felt I'd always have myself that no one would ever come between the realtionship I have with myself. You did. You came in and you took over I let your needs or what I thought were our needs come before the needs of myself. What I wanted. What I needed. I was so young when we met when we had our first kiss I was only 14. Now that I'm turning 16 its over finally. But how great is that ? Two fucking years of a sad sad me of a sad sad relationship that was so toxic. Where the fuck was my head ? Clearly it fell off..and I'm glad I was able to find it now...better late then never I suppose. I wanted somthing so simple and so...blunt. Either you could give it to me or you couldnt. You should have just told me no. That you wouldnt be able to ever give me what I wanted. Instead you let me think you were giving it to me let me believe that you would give it to me. Why ? All I wanted from you were the feelings I had for you to be reciprocated but you couldnt you wouldnt. Would have been so hard to tell me you couldnt to save me nights and nights of thinking they were coming. That your feelings for me would come soon enough eventually. I cant help but want to just blame you..but my belife in you was my own fault. I just couldnt see that they wernt coming that youd never love me. That you couldnt. Thank you for making me somthing i didnt want to be somthing I never wanted to be. Fucking thanks. Me and Her..We didnt deserve this.. She didnt I didnt. I should be angry with her and him she had to have known we were still an item weve been an item for two years. And yet I have not an ounce of anger towards her. I understand it. I have pounds and pounds of anger for him. He has hurt me and her and others.
One night I lay in bed watching movies..thinking about him..comtemplating his feelings for me what they were and if I was stupid to think he would ever have them for me. Just then I get a text three words I had been hoping he'd say. The text said this I love you. My heart practilly melted it was perfect so out of the blue so random I thought he had to have meant it. Later on I came to find how much he didnt mean it through his own fucked actions..But then only a few days ago She told me. She told me that they had just kissed when he sent the message. He fucking just got done kissing someone else....Thank you.
I Know I Know what went on. Even more reason for me to finally move on....prick

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