Sunday, November 30, 2008

I care what people think about me, even if I dont care about the people.

I don't want this talked about. I'm really offended and upsett.
I'm probally only feeding it and making it worse by trying to stop it. Yet I'm concered about it, the fact that people know about makes me uncomfertable and sad.
It's just somthing I'm honestly ashamed about and somthing that I really didn't want anyone finding out about. The fact that he told anyone is jut really upsetting.
I'm just really upset. I'm really worried that this is going to get out even more and then I'd seriously have to die.
Hide me. Can't bare to be seen.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Supply and Demand Baby

Wear me down. Use me up. Tear me down. I want to feel run down.
Let's go, take me down the road.
Against the blankets on a bed or against the walls of superior. Let's do it Let's go, Let's shrivel up and die.
Run me down, I'm begging you.
I find it all so, so glamorous so fabulous so wonderfully tragic.
Let's go take me where it goes. Take me from where things like that, like this never grow. Let's just....go.
I can feel it in my veins and in your bones. I can see it in your eyes. I can hear it's roar comming down that road.
I know where it all goes..places that I don't want to go. Days that I really dont want to see.
Ignore it with me. Use me up with me. Lay down in my sorrow and in my mess. Let my mistake wrap you up close and keep you safe and warm. Let's do it, let's go wear me down and use me up.
I wanna feel it, I need to touch it. I want to be run down.
Do it. Do it with me. Run me Down.
Supply and Demand Baby.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

A need for Oxygen

adj. Not adequate to fulfill a need or meet a requirement; insufficient.

Unable to fill these requirments of society I find that only one word can describe me.

On a brighter side of the spectrum I'm okay. I'm getting better at all of this. I'm trying to enjoy my old youth...for that is what this time in my life is for...

I look forward to every single weekend with them. With me.
A need for Oxygen.
Let me breath.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I'll be anything, anyone

I want to know what you feel. I wanna here it. Tell me eveything. Tell me what you feel. Just touch me.
I'll go anywhere any time.
Just take me into what you feel is real and I will beleive it, and I will trust it.
What you're looking at can change. Whatever you don't like. it's gone.
Just make me something. Take me somewhere. By myself I'll go nowhere. I need you to change me. To make me. Create me.
Take your hands and put them behind you're back and touch me.
Touch me. Without you're hands.
I am a bucket. Fill me. Fill me until you can't move me. Spill me. Fill me again.
I am everything you want. And I am nothing you don't.
I'll go anywhere anytime. I'll be anything, anyone.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Just Be Myself

It's hard. To pick just one..I mean there are so many options..I find I never know what one to choose. I'm not very aware of myself anymore. It used to make me feel depressed but now I find that the idea of ones "self" is so transparent. Your seeing but your seeing nothing. It's me. Regardless of its truth or it's depth. It is becomes me. So in this transfaces I am myself...
I am content with this. I am fine with this. This is who I am. You asked for it and I did my best.
Now tell me which one ?

Monday, November 10, 2008

What is this ?

What is going on. Why is this all so hard for you. Why are you trying to hurt me.
I dont understand...when for the past three weeks It seems all I've been saying to you is im sorry.
Yet your still so angry. Saying I'm not myself when I'm around her. I'm never myself. You said so yourself. I'm so frusterated with you. I dont know what I can say or what I can do to get through to you. To make you understand how much I care for you.
Why can't you understand. Why is it so hard for you to see.
There is a difference.
You wont let me know.
You say I wouldnt know as if I'm taking myself out of your life as if I'm not caring about you. When just this past friday I texted you worried. I could tell somthing was wrong and I asked you. You told me nothing, How can I help you when You dont tell me when you need help.
If you were crying. I'd drop everything to be with you.
I would
But she is my freind. I have really grown close to her. I enjoy being with her. You dont have to like her..

I'm trying so hard..I honestly don't know what else I can do. I know that if I stoped being her friend you would like me more and that everything would get a little better. can you ask me to do that..I like being her freind. How can you ask me that. How could you make me choose. This is unfair..and me in this position is horrible.
If your going to fight with me lets fight about You and Me not me you and her. I love you. I'm so fucking pissed with this fucking shit.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Phisycal Aspect

What is left. When every aspect of the heart and mind have been used up. What is left. Hatred is all thats left. Its the last leaf on this tree. All of this went through me went and tore at all that it can offer me. What I'd rather be left isnt. This anger for you only grows. I see no sign of it dying down.
The physical aspect of myself seems to grow. When my words die mid transport when none of them reach you when none of them touch you. This physical aspect of me. It seems to grow..I stare at my small briddle hands and I wonder how much damage they could do to you. I need something that gets to you. Something that stays inside of you telling you..killing you as it kills me. I hate..this is why I've failed. This emotion only shows me what he knew what he saw and used. I'm brittle and weak I was surprised by it by how fast it grew what should have took decades took only days. You knew. This hatred only proves my own inability to walk. To go unfazed. Incapable and inadiqutie..I have to look and I have to think about this side of me. About this side that I've seen in so many others...but never in me. This phisycal aspect of me. Could it get me where I want to go. Could it be that which goes through him that which sticks in him. This Physical aspect of me. I look to for a kind of outlit and a sort of break. The tree has but one leaf...These tools for my body have but one sheet left. Hatred. From this grows this..blindess that I can see. That changes me. What else is left. Left without nothingnes and lacking all that one can respect. I look to this phisycal aspect.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I see

So much of me in her. So much of who I am..who I want to be. I find myself feeling stupid and cocky saying that I see myself in somone so iconic and so amazingly unique and fabulous...but I do I honestly do. I'm sad. The only person on the entrie planet who I feel that comes anything to close to my real dead. With all are similarties I wonder if we share the same fate. Unable to learn from her..will I end up like her...I've known my entire life..although I may not have been able to point out exsactly what the feeling was my entrie's been there. Hanging over me. Standing next to me. This feeling makes me question it. I work so hard to get so little..I work for what isn't there. Somthing tranparent and barley alive..almost dead. Yet I work for it..I work towards it.
Watching this..Watching us create her...I'm sad....I know that what will come of me will come of me. Eventually. I can't run from it...deny it..move past it. It's there. Ever present Ever real Ever....
What do I do for now...under the pressure to blossem I feel as if I will never grow.....

I have made a fool out of me....for this. I am happy.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Lets go go go

Everytime I'm driving. The second I get in the car. There is this feelin, its pulsing. I have this insane need to grab the wheel and take control. Go down the road out of here. Leave I want to go...yet latley it feels more like a need. A must. I have to go. I need to go. And yet I can't go anywhere. But my room. But school. But somewhere but nowhere.
go go go.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Is It ?

Empty and Hallow. So swollen I can't swollow.
Lets not talk.
Lets not hear.
I need to be empty. I crave the feeling of air.
So full and so heavy.
So huge and so scared.
An image distorted or an image been focused.
Lets not talk.
Lets not hear.
I need to be empty. I crave the feeling of air.
Leave it be. And let me alone. This monster is mine. He is my own.
The one that was left.
The one I have kept.
This creature becomes me.
Disorted or clear. It is what I see it is what I hear.
This monster becomes me.
Controls or consumes me ?
Is it the cycle.
Is it ?