Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Thats low

Where was I comming form ? I'm not even sure, I guess it was low..and a little to harsh and a little to mean. And yet how can I be sorry for somthing I feel I am entitled to. I am entitled to be angry to be mean and to never be sorry. He took advantage of my youth. For him I was somthing new and somthing else nothing big beacuse it wassnt his frist go around. For him everything meant anything. A bunch of seconds and a chance to a blow a heavy load. But everything meant everything to me. For me, it wassnt just anything it was my everything. My first time feeling somthing I've only seen before, emotions I pretended to feel. That meant somthing to me, he meant somthing to me. I was happy, I was really happy. Now I am forever changed and forever angry, and forever entitled.

Was it low ?

Monday, December 29, 2008

The Tina

People come into our lives for a reason....people also leave our lives for a reason. As I watch another life I think of my own. I wonder for the reason as to why she's gone and why she's here. I can picture it more and more. I can picture it less and less.
We have so much fun..and she and I are so fabulous haha

I wonder for the reason.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Jacob Tobin

I'm moving, keep up. Get on or get off. Move with me or without me. Done.

It might not be the best thing, but it is not the worst.


What happens now is somthing I could never map out. This is somthing massive somthing working and alive. How fast everything will change.
You are no longer apart of my life, by choice you and I have begun to drift apart. It's sad and its unfortunate. I tried but there is only so much one can do alone. One down.
Ever loved, and always with me suddnely you are gone. I have not said goodbye beacuse I know I will see you again. What I don't know is what this means. Your apart of the plan that can not be planned. I wonder if I am changing, I wonder how this will work out. I want you to be with me. I want chicago more then I want anything and yet I worrie. Time is a dangerous thing, how easily it can kill us but how easily it has made us.
New and yet so much of who I am, and who I want to be around. Mature much like me, and with plans with goals. I love being with her and around her, we get along so well it seems. She may be apart of my future...

Look, at whats happend. Look at what could. Hello future goodbye ideals.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

What is it

Drenched in denial and saturated by frugal and futile thoughts.
Ever changing and ever wrong.
One wants for one's own success more then one wants life more then one wants death.
This tragic distortion can only give way to death.

Transparent and Silent, I feel.
So bare and yet so concealed.
Make room for a life that will never come.
Spend hours spend days planning something that can not be planned.
It fuels you, this idea is the driving force that compels you to go, to say yes and to say no.
Drop Dead and cheer for you are the workings of an all mighty and all powerful machine.
Speak with no lips, and breath with no lungs.
See with no eyes and think with no head.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Like oxygen anger leaves me.

Even if I wanted too, I couldnt. There had been too much said. Too much done. I couldn't. But I also couldn't deny it. I couldn't deny that he had been on my mind. That when I see them together, all I can think of is him. Him and I together. Our relationship...his current relationship somthing that I thought I was fine with..
Now it seemed that I couldn't handel it. I can't handle thinking of him not thinking of me.
I can't handle this. What was it that always drew me towards hi-....it. Of course I would never dare talk to him..ever again.
This is not to say that I'm having feelings for him. There were feelings and they were there but they were not "the" feelings.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Sad I can't spell.

I'm gone. Without friends without Loved ones. I'm gone. Wasted away and dead. I'm sue thats not me, but how easily it can be. Strong for now. But for how long will I be strong for ? Survival is a choice...honestly I havnt chosen to die or to survive. I'm on the fence I wonder what I'll survive for..then again I wonder what I will die for. A selfish act, this kind of ticking suicide. In time will I let myself die. A worthy cause to survive and yet I wonder if I am capable of it. If I am strong enough for life. I contemplate death in the sense of it being a chance. Will I allow myself to die ? Can I survive ? These questions arise as I drift from reality and fade into fantasy. This direction is one without maps and lacking any kinda of path, a general place with a general destination. I know they both intend for substance.
I'm honest with me and with you. This is whats on my mind. Scary maybe. Morbid, yes. But real nonetheless.
On the fence.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Made of skin, bones and smoke.

Nothing all too sturdy. Somthing unlike concreate. Speaking to be broken. Moving to be fragile.
I can take it I will hold it for as long as need be. I'm able. I can but I wont always want to. For once in my life I want to. I can beacuse I want. I'm telling myself everyday that I've got it. That I can walk when I want. That I'll open my mouth when I want. That I'll like who I want and hate whoam ever I want. Beacuse I've got it and I'm bringing it to me everyday. Strength, touch me and I'll fall. Test me and I'll stand my ground. I've got it. Made of skin, bones and smoke. Not an ounce of muscle. Yet I've got it. Without your muscle I've got it. I will keep this with me. I will walk. I will go when I please and leave when I've had enough. No more of this supply and demand child. Supply and Demand Child has grown, grown into somthing strong and somthing capable. Made of skin, bones and smoke I am strong. Lacking muscle I am strong. I've got it.
Fuck you.