Monday, October 27, 2008

Broken English

I lay in my bed watching one of my favorite movies, Broken English. When I realize how amazing the movie really is, how easily I can see her life as my own life in the future...Then another thought comes to mind. This isnt a new thought it's been on my mind since last night when sitting by my window talking to Averie she said somthing to me. To be honest I was a little offended...I was taken aback by her words..and how honest and dead on she was. This thought was surrounding myself.
Sometimes I just get this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to die alone. It's sounds pretty rediculas I know but to be honest is it really? Look at me look at who I am and pay attention to what everyone of my ex boyfriends have said. Some people seem to like the way I look but not the way I am. People or boys in piticular dont seem to like me very much. Honestly I'm not sure I even like myself all that much. Sometimes I'm pleased with who I am..other days like today and some of yesterday..not so much. I think I need to stop trying to appeal to somthing to someone and just try being honest...maybe instead of all the fliring or the antics I should simply tell them the truth. The truth however wouldnt be to appealing and I'm sure it be a turn off but if it was appealng and if it didnt turn them off to much then I would know they liked me for me. Telling them rite off the bat would save them the time of figuring out that I'm a freak. I'm just looking for somone to like me. Not be into me just like me. As a fucking person.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I want out.

I can't breath in school. I feel so stuck like I'm some fucking caged animal. I just want to be. I don't care about finding the correct proof. Or the reason why plants are green. I just want to find shit out about me. Thats all. I just want to grow as a human being. I dont want to feel like I'm a failure or that I'm stupid based of what this report card says. Or what a school tells me. I dont care about grades. I dont give a shit about it. I will learn on my own time. For me. I'm stuck here. I hate tommorow.

This blog was me bitching deal

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Aftermath

I've come down with a slight cold. It's nothing I cant get over in a matter of days I'm sure.
My Birthday went really well, although it did have It's set backs. The day was going well even tho I hated my hair I'm getting it cut tommorow thank god. The entire day I felt to triumphant over myself..turning 16 a whole new age full of new things and new mistakes. I wassnt going to make the same mistakes not again not this year. One of the mistakes said somthings to me that very well could have killed my birthday high but thank god it didnt effect it too much. Alix made me cookies it was so sweet of her. Averie got me 2 packs shes amazing. My mother got me four volumes of red garden !!!!!!!!!!!! Ah fucking mazing seriously all that I wanted. But with my wonderful family that wassnt all I got. My mother and Trissy got me a kick ass camera that I cant wait to use this weekend. My nana got me both caridgans I soo wanted and a 2 books one of them the giving tree that was so sweet. My nanas gifts almost made me cry I have no clue why. My grandpa got me the coolest book ever. Im so stoaked to read it. And ten this weekend I'm going to urban as another part of my bithday gift and thats like ammmaazzingg. But the plans have changed I'm not going with Moodie. She cant go I guess she got in trouble.
I'm pissed at the situation I'm not sure If im pissed at her. I wanted to take her beacuse I wanted to..I wanted to save our friendship for a time we were soo close. Now now were drifting. I wanted to just take her I told averie who reallyy wanted to be with me for my birthday she couldnt come cuz I wanted some alone time with Moodie. Averie wantedd to go. She wasnt excited cuz she was going or cuz it was for urban She just wanted to go cuz she likes being with me and I with her. Averie is my rock. And I told her no for moodie and mines sake. Now Moodie cant go. Now I'm taking Averie who was who I wanted with me in the first place. Moodie and I were fine even tho we wernt seeing eachother but then she did somthing. Somthing that inside I know I'm pissed at her for even tho I know that if I told her she would just get pissed back at. But what she's doing may not be what I think shes doing But through a kind of filter I'm thinking it is. Anyways I'm done trying to be her brother. If you want to see me you take off work you tell me were hanging out cuz despite what she may think My life is always open for her and I will cancel every plan I have for her.

I love Averie My mother my nana and the people who care for me
And of course my ALIIXXX

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I Know I Know

What you did. What you've done. How you've touched and fucked up my life. Only now do I realize how much you atchully have affected me. It's scary how wrong I was about myself. I always felt that I would never be the kind of person to act the way I acted. To stoop down to the level of ones I felt were pathetic. Only now do I realize how pathetic I was. How sad and foolish my actions were. I felt I'd always have myself that no one would ever come between the realtionship I have with myself. You did. You came in and you took over I let your needs or what I thought were our needs come before the needs of myself. What I wanted. What I needed. I was so young when we met when we had our first kiss I was only 14. Now that I'm turning 16 its over finally. But how great is that ? Two fucking years of a sad sad me of a sad sad relationship that was so toxic. Where the fuck was my head ? Clearly it fell off..and I'm glad I was able to find it now...better late then never I suppose. I wanted somthing so simple and so...blunt. Either you could give it to me or you couldnt. You should have just told me no. That you wouldnt be able to ever give me what I wanted. Instead you let me think you were giving it to me let me believe that you would give it to me. Why ? All I wanted from you were the feelings I had for you to be reciprocated but you couldnt you wouldnt. Would have been so hard to tell me you couldnt to save me nights and nights of thinking they were coming. That your feelings for me would come soon enough eventually. I cant help but want to just blame you..but my belife in you was my own fault. I just couldnt see that they wernt coming that youd never love me. That you couldnt. Thank you for making me somthing i didnt want to be somthing I never wanted to be. Fucking thanks. Me and Her..We didnt deserve this.. She didnt I didnt. I should be angry with her and him she had to have known we were still an item weve been an item for two years. And yet I have not an ounce of anger towards her. I understand it. I have pounds and pounds of anger for him. He has hurt me and her and others.
One night I lay in bed watching movies..thinking about him..comtemplating his feelings for me what they were and if I was stupid to think he would ever have them for me. Just then I get a text three words I had been hoping he'd say. The text said this I love you. My heart practilly melted it was perfect so out of the blue so random I thought he had to have meant it. Later on I came to find how much he didnt mean it through his own fucked actions..But then only a few days ago She told me. She told me that they had just kissed when he sent the message. He fucking just got done kissing someone else....Thank you.
I Know I Know what went on. Even more reason for me to finally move on....prick


Tommow I'm 16
Today was pretty kick ass I have to admit
I just had a really good day with little to no set backs. Sophie made my life with this joke about me being a jew ( im not jewish ). She gave me the name Jude pronounced ( jew-d ). So fucking funny I could have died of laughter. The day was just one of thouse really amazing ones.
I really hope that my Birthday goes this well.

I have little to nothing to say today infact I find that I have NOTHING to say besdies

Later days

Monday, October 20, 2008

Edie My dear

What a fantastic movie. I just finished it and it was simply amazing. Audrey Hepburn is very captivating almost as cpativating as my idol Edie Sedgwick. I never want to see Breakfast at Tiffanys. I worry that the movie it self cant compare to the poster of Audrey. That poster inspired Edie and at least once every two weeks. I take a good look at that picture I stare at it waiting for what hit Edie to hit me...although I'm not sure what hit Edie so I wont know it if it did hit me but yeah.
Whats been on my mind not only today but yesterday too is the Museum of the Moving Image they did a spectacular showing for Edie in 2007 and I just wish I knew about it...I wish I would have gone... Its all about her and all her films on the big screen again. Ah Just thinking about what it would have been like to see her films in a theater is just absolutley amazing...and yet its its pointless getting all upset about somthing that happend last year somthing that I missed.But god oh god would i have loved to go.

Wonderful ! simply Wonderful..ah oh well. When people ask me If i know everything there is to know about Edie...I feel odd telling them the truth as if by saying it they would think that I really dont care about her...the truth is I've only read one biography on her saw two documentorys on her and Ive seen almost everyone of her films minus Restaurant and Kitchen all of Afternoon tho I've seen most of Afternoon. Ive also seen all of her screen test. They are my favorite although most her Andys films of Edie are somewhat like a screen test the screen tests them selves are so much more insightful and as if your talking with her to her its great. But Honestly I dont know it all I know very little. But I feel to love to her to adore everything about her I dont need to know all the facts to have read all the books...if you ask me stupid. I love who she wanted everyone to love.Oh Edie I love you so much. i love you so so so much.
Style icon all the way.

Birthday is Wendsday two more days to go. Well I'm off to watch Some Like It Hot with Marlyn Monroe.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I want to go

Honestly... My goals arnt college, they arnt good grades or a great well paying job as some business this or office building that. I could care less about any kind of a career... What dose that make me stupid ? Why is it that beacuse all I want issnt what one should want. I'm not looking for fame nor whelth I'm looking for happiness and love. I just want to be alive I want to focus on being a human being and growing .For Myself. Not for a grade not for some scholorship but for me I learn for me beacuse I want to know somthing beacuse I just find it intresting or beacuse I just want to exspand my vocabulary or knowledge.
I want to write and I want to find myself one day happy. Waking up to this air and feeling of self peace nothing I can touch or get the highest grade on somthing I can feel somthing I can be. I want to be hit by attraction and then work on or work towards love. ( maybe ) Love isnt a lighting bolt it dosnt just hit you Love is a choice it is a choice to let go and give without getting. To open yourself up to somone in hopes that they do the same and together you both discover love. It wont just hit me..Love isnt somthing that just happens its somthing you allow to happen. To love you have to let yourself be loved. And I want to be loved. I dont know this for a fact of course but I belive it and thats just the same isnst it ?
I'm moving to chicago and living. With my highschool nothings and a job at some clothing store hopefully an Urban Outfitters. I want to meet people and smoke alot of cigarettes. I want to find happiness...and I could very well do this by going to College and working in that Offiice Building but I could also do this by not going to college and not having a real career.
I have goals I have a path..Dont tell me that I'll go nowhere when you dont know where it is I want to go.

It's Great

I just got back from two days with the lovely Alix G. Friday night was kinda a hot mess but I love her so I didnt mind spending the night in with her. I fell asleep watching Harry Potter.....I'm almost always the first to fall asleep...I just dont see the point of staying awake when were already in bed...idk if that makes sense but in my mind when I'm in bed I'm when in bed I'm more apt to fall asleep.
Today I feel like sitting in my room all day and watching LOVE and other disasters. Its one of my favorite movies of all times....I've become a kinda of hopeless romantic I'm afraid to admit and my life seems to be consumed with the thought of love....fuck. This day feels so amazing. Just the rite amount of sunlight is comming in through the blinds and my room is pretty chilly ( ilovethecold ) and I'm in a good mood...although I kind of feel like strangeling someone . Me and my Boyfriend of almost two weeks broke up...I'm glad I was able to come out of that denial. To think that me and him could ever work was just absolutley rediculas were polor opposites. He was rite when he said it was like mixing oil and water..The only thing we have in common is that were gay. But during our honest and mutual break up..he began to insult me.....It made me a little upsett and Then minutes before me and my Boyfriends breakup I was on the phone with my gay friend whos such a great guy. I love talking to him. But then i started thinking about me..and him ( the friend not the boyfriend ) and I realized how jealous I was of him. He's going to be happy and guys are going to like him. I know it i can see it in his future....and I just cant see it in mine. I just have this feeling that I'm going to die alone....haha with cats...and a bunch of cheap romance novels and sad sad sad movies cream.
I'm so tired of being taken advantage of.. And now that I kind of grew out of that faze of my life I'm just so upset with myself how I could just throw myself around like that. I tried telling myself it didnt mean anything to me and When they walked I acted realived beacuse I thought the last thing I wanted was a relationship for it to mean somthing. Its only now that i realize how much I was used. And how fucked up it was.

It's great when you realize shit like this..just when its to late to fix it oh well " live life"

OH my Birthday is in four days. I cant wait to go shopping

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

First Time

Saying nothing to somthing is the most relaxing and amazing thing on the planet. I think thats why they invented blonging. Saying nothing to somthing relaxes people. At least it relaxes me.
My Birthday is in 7 days, 7 days until im 16...sadly im not that excited I dont really make a big deal out of my Birthday I just feel so silly asking everyone to celebrate my birth....It just all seems so silly. Plus every Birthday until my 18th just bothers me as if the age is mocking me. Letting me know that I'm still a useless child and still cant buy my lovely Cigarettes. By the way the only thing I'm asking for from my two Best Friends and if your planing on geting me somthing for my Birthday ( tho im sure noone is ) know that a pack of smooths will make me love you. And if you knew me youd know that Cigarettes are the perfect Birthday gift...And Urban Outfitters shoping <5 Speaking of Urban Outfitters for my Birthday im taking Moodie with me to Tampa to do some shoping + dinner and Pf Changs + stoll around downtown Tampa. My other best friend Averie wont be joining but she will be with me ON MY BIRTHDAY the 22. I love Averie so much she is such a huge part of my life..
I have a new Boyfreind hes super cute and super nice. Tommorow before school starts I'm seeing him =) im stoaked.

As for the weekend
THURSDAY = with alix
FRIDAY= with alix
SATURDAY = with the family
SUNDAY = homework