Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Death By Fire

There is such thing as a bad bad day....welcome to today. I just got so upset; I hate feeling out of control I need that total control. I need it; without it I loose my mind my everything I just go OUT of control. From the moment I entered that classroom he hated me....he didnt want to give me any kind of leeway at all. He was angry; and I was just trying....trying to do my best and trying to get there on time. I realize that these past few weeks I havent exactly been what some might call studious but I want to be better...thats all. I just want to be better. I went to bed last night so sadned by my own faults and my own disapoitments because I just wanted to be better; in fact the last words I said to myself before the drift was probally "better". This hopefullness in relation to my being late...my phone...oh god my phone. I have this fire within me...this rage. I kill myself with my own anger my own ....fire. I just exploded and I wanted to scream and yell none of it seemed okay or fair. I hate these feelings I hate these emotions that seem to overwhelm me as of late. I am eighteen years old and that is my property it wasnt affecting anyone ! You made the choice to take it away and than when yours rang you felt the need to impower yourself....put forwth this idea that you were in some way deserving of rights that I was not. I am your equal. My heart hurts...my head burns. I've been put in my place....I felt like I could fight...really fight loose it all play it all for this stupid little battle. I really felt like I could have gone the distance.....but now; I just feel so empty I have nothing left to fight for....I feel like I've been fighting all my life for this or for that. Fighting for my sanity, fighting for myself and my homosexuality, fighting for a place in this school, fighting for fashion my place, fighting for whats right and the respect I feel I have not always been given. I feel like I could fight for this...still..I just wonder if I will loose it all again if I will promote a death by fire again. Death By Fire....Death by me.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


I would rather die than be here and I have nothing else to do. So bored...so tired...so restless so dull. My personality could use a sharperner. I just wish things would be better already...I've had such a ahrd time this year with the whole alix thing and than my whole personal agenda that I can never seem to actually meet.
I wouldnt say I am depressed but I would say that I am unhappy. I need some Red Garden I need some substance. T o be reminded what it feels like what a hole really feels like because I can't affiord to fall into a hole once ive come so far. I also cant afford to be this shitty person when if anything I need all the good karma I can get. I really feel like im sinking though...in my weight.....in my grades....in my life...in my new obsession with getting that job at Aldo.
What if they don't call ? What if I dont get that job...to be honest I've never not gotten what I wanted...I work hard...I go in full force and I get what I want out of my life because I am a go getter.....but what if it's not enough this time ? Just like school....I just feel helpless all the suden and driven to extreams like running into the store screaming ( and looking fantastic ) GIVE ME THE JOB I NEED IT I NEED I TSEJKFASHF DJKFH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cant get that night out of my head.......

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Total Control

Maybe this is what it is, what I've been looking for. For the first time...I am feeling things on a level that I do not understand completely. I am unhappy...some very depressing things have happen tonight, he was depressing, it was depressing and she was heart wrenching but I am happy. Depressed but happy because I am depressed, happy because these feelings are real. I am real, she is real and this life is palpable I can feel it touch it. I am devastated...we are devastated. I feel for her...but I am hopefull and I know that we'll be alright that everything will be alright.

I'll be gone for awhile.
I feel it, this tree holds the earth and cradles the sky.
This is the spawn of the world and a seed from her, from our universe.
The rocks will melt, and the stars will die before I return.
Before I can come back..alive.
I'll be gone for awhile but I will be back.
This tree....its rooots must hold her heart.
It's roots must hold the sky.
Grow, grow for me, breath for me, die and live for me.
I need you, I love you, thank you.
Thank you death, and thank this hole.
THIS is what a hole feels like.
Looks like.
Sounds like.
Thank you, I will be gone for awhile, but I come back alive. I come back.
I come back.
It's roots...they have to hold her heart, it's roots they have to touch the ground.
It's roots..I hear..even when they can not make a sound.
Run with me.
Be with me.
Thank this hole, thank this tree I will be gone for awhile.
I come back.....

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Your so far.

self portrait by alecjessephotos.

Sometimes you seem closer....
Someday I'll be closer.

Don't be angry baby .....

Friday, September 25, 2009

I can see it taking shape.

It's hard to keep sight of the future..to remind myself daily of it. I keep telling myself that this is all for that...that life that future. For the first time in my whole life, I am stable I know what I want and I am pursuing it with a passion that could crumble citites. For the first time in my life.....
. You wait for these momments in your life when your overcomb with substance and relivance...and I think I've always felt that way..I just had to look at the world around me. It goes by...ready or not..it spins and the world though it may feel like it at times never stands still and never will. So I stopped watching and dreaming and talking and just went, I moved with the earth and for the first time in my life I saw a future. I saw that I was capable that it was possible to go exactly where I want. If I just keep going if I just keep pursuing and never stop thinking of tommorow but more importantly today.
Tommorow saved me, but today makes me. Today makes me move, everyday I wake up and look around and I'm not there..Im not where I want to be yet, and that makes me move.
.Life is sequential it has an order and steps that must be taken and must be completed ( high school , Sarasota, puberity haha ) and they are so important. Today makes tommorow the effort of today effects all your tommorows and yesterdays never change. And I had a thought while walking by Saks Fifth Avenue downtown chicago, that I want this. I looked down at my Gucci bag and at the lables and designers around me and the city, I saw where I was going and suddenly, these wernt "goals" were no longer asspirations they were my life. I was living in them then and I am living in them today. I realized that my goals were happening all around me that these were the years and the days when they happen, when you make things happen.
You grow up more then you ever will in momments like that. Today is real, third period is essential, high school becomes a training ground, Today transends to tommorow.

How much time can we afford to waste ? How many classes can we skip ? How many days will it take till it's too late ? I dont know, but I know it's not a lot and I know that Today is pavement and so is the next day and the next and someday I'll have made a road, and then, then I will go, then I will take that road. I am Jacob Tobin, and this is my life, and I am struck by it. Hit with it. Moved by it. I had a thought yesterday..that maybe I'll get everything I've ever wanted..that maybe I'll do all the things I aspire to do. And I belived it.

I'm doing everything I want to do. I'm going exaxctly where I want to go. Watch out.
I'll be there..I'm comming

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Falling Down

The road.
The signs and signals.
The plan.
Follow it, cherish it.
Want only for its success and its greatness.
Learn for it and want for it
Follow it.
When every bump feels like mountains and cuts stain like bruises. You will love it. .
With every step , I walk towards it. In every breath I take I know Ive lived for it.
This is all I have. When love has left and faith has turned it's back.
I know what I still have.
But with this passion and my great need...I have fear.
I am afraid. To want somthing so badly to see somthing so vividly. To be so close and yet..so far kills me.
I am afraid that I will not achieve it.
Time feels like sand. Momments to grain.
Heavy and sad they fall down beside me. I lay in momments gone and memories past, and I stare up at sand that has yet to fall. Momments I have yet to lived. That is when fear creeps in. To think that it will stop. That the sand will run out.
I can not bare it. I have to have it.
Falling Down.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Dear First.

You have opened eyes that have been closed. You have shown me sight you have allowed realtiy to grab me, shake me and tell me. It's over now there is no more left. I have mistaken the heart for the habit. You had become a kind of habit for me. A ritual for me. Without you it wouldnt have stopped. We are wrong nothing about it or us made sense to me..and hasnt for quite some time. But I couldnt stop wanting you, I couldnt stop craving you I wouldnt stop thinking I loved you. You are not and have not been my first love, but my first obbsession. A feeling so similar to love feelings that are so easily confused.
My need for you wassnt a need it was a habit. You are right. Your eyes are and have been opene and thats the reason for your neglect and your hesitance. Beacause you've know beacuse you could see what I could not. I have but one thank you for you..I thank you for opening closed eyes. And I apprecitate you for that.
At some point it had to stop at some point I had to grow. I've had a relization..

The last and the only. Over with and overgrown.