Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Death By Fire

There is such thing as a bad bad day....welcome to today. I just got so upset; I hate feeling out of control I need that total control. I need it; without it I loose my mind my everything I just go OUT of control. From the moment I entered that classroom he hated me....he didnt want to give me any kind of leeway at all. He was angry; and I was just trying....trying to do my best and trying to get there on time. I realize that these past few weeks I havent exactly been what some might call studious but I want to be better...thats all. I just want to be better. I went to bed last night so sadned by my own faults and my own disapoitments because I just wanted to be better; in fact the last words I said to myself before the drift was probally "better". This hopefullness in relation to my being late...my phone...oh god my phone. I have this fire within me...this rage. I kill myself with my own anger my own ....fire. I just exploded and I wanted to scream and yell none of it seemed okay or fair. I hate these feelings I hate these emotions that seem to overwhelm me as of late. I am eighteen years old and that is my property it wasnt affecting anyone ! You made the choice to take it away and than when yours rang you felt the need to impower yourself....put forwth this idea that you were in some way deserving of rights that I was not. I am your equal. My heart hurts...my head burns. I've been put in my place....I felt like I could fight...really fight loose it all play it all for this stupid little battle. I really felt like I could have gone the distance.....but now; I just feel so empty I have nothing left to fight for....I feel like I've been fighting all my life for this or for that. Fighting for my sanity, fighting for myself and my homosexuality, fighting for a place in this school, fighting for fashion my place, fighting for whats right and the respect I feel I have not always been given. I feel like I could fight for this...still..I just wonder if I will loose it all again if I will promote a death by fire again. Death By Fire....Death by me.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


I would rather die than be here and I have nothing else to do. So bored...so tired...so restless so dull. My personality could use a sharperner. I just wish things would be better already...I've had such a ahrd time this year with the whole alix thing and than my whole personal agenda that I can never seem to actually meet.
I wouldnt say I am depressed but I would say that I am unhappy. I need some Red Garden I need some substance. T o be reminded what it feels like what a hole really feels like because I can't affiord to fall into a hole once ive come so far. I also cant afford to be this shitty person when if anything I need all the good karma I can get. I really feel like im sinking though...in my weight.....in my grades....in my life...in my new obsession with getting that job at Aldo.
What if they don't call ? What if I dont get that job...to be honest I've never not gotten what I wanted...I work hard...I go in full force and I get what I want out of my life because I am a go getter.....but what if it's not enough this time ? Just like school....I just feel helpless all the suden and driven to extreams like running into the store screaming ( and looking fantastic ) GIVE ME THE JOB I NEED IT I NEED I TSEJKFASHF DJKFH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cant get that night out of my head.......