Wednesday, February 11, 2009

In a house of the small and a home of the wide

I hate it when people make me feel small..I hate it when I dont have control over what belongs to me, over me. I get this sensation of control over myself when I am at home. I feel so mature and so willing and able to do so much, and the concept that I am in control of my own is ever present and ever clear. But then I come here...and suddenly I am without control. Suddenly I am smalll and..stupid. I think its the reality of my age. I hate this place and I hate the way it makes me feel beacuse it reminds me of my age..and the restrictions that come with being so young. Away from here I get this illusion of being older beacuse I do, I do feel much older sometimes, and this illusion fills me and drives me and allows me to take control of me. But them I come here and reality slaps me in the face, I am not in control of anything either that or I am simply not able to control me or anything else for that matter. I find the whole concept of school to be so demeaning.
They assume that I can not multitask that simply having my phone in my lap distracts me to the point where I can not hear, see, move or think. They assume that we are so stupid so dense that even the slightest show of flesh turns us into sex craved beasts and all we can think about is sex. That a hat somehow blocks our brain waves..that with a hat on we are no longer capable of any kind of thought or task. These assumptions are so insulting and so cant help but feel small...but act stupid out of a kind of rebel.
On days like today I can't stand it here..more and more schools begin to look like prisons. I hate it here. I want out. I learn here..but for what for why. I am here beacuse I have to get out of highschool...I show up beacuse I want my license. And yet alone at home I do more reading then asked of me and more thinking then the teachers themselves...I am not stupid I am not the type of person to go through my life uneducated and ignorant I love to learn..honestly I do. Maybe not math but besides math I find sooo much of what I am being tought so intresting and to be honest I don't mind the homework....that much. What I mind is this enviorment. What I mind is feeling so small and so stupid.
I hate that teacher...and I wish to god she would just hear somthing just hear someone. She seems to driven for power as if all she can think about is seeming so "in control" and " on top of it" that she can't hear anything. I'm so tired of her being so angry and I'm so tired of not being able to speak...I know I can't speak but I want to soo badly. I wouldnt be mean and I wouldnt be rude....I'd want to but I wouldnt...I would simply tell her how this made me feel what this made me do. Yes I should have respected her more to read the book but she should have made herself respectable. This blog is getting to long I just could go on forever.

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