I can see it taking shape.

It's hard to keep sight of the future..to remind myself daily of it. I keep telling myself that this is all for that...that life that future. For the first time in my whole life, I am stable I know what I want and I am pursuing it with a passion that could crumble citites. For the first time in my life.....
. You wait for these momments in your life when your overcomb with substance and relivance...and I think I've always felt that way..I just had to look at the world around me. It goes by...ready or not..it spins and the world though it may feel like it at times never stands still and never will. So I stopped watching and dreaming and talking and just went, I moved with the earth and for the first time in my life I saw a future. I saw that I was capable that it was possible to go exactly where I want. If I just keep going if I just keep pursuing and never stop thinking of tommorow but more importantly today.
Tommorow saved me, but today makes me. Today makes me move, everyday I wake up and look around and I'm not there..Im not where I want to be yet, and that makes me move.
.Life is sequential it has an order and steps that must be taken and must be completed ( high school , Sarasota, puberity haha ) and they are so important. Today makes tommorow the effort of today effects all your tommorows and yesterdays never change. And I had a thought while walking by Saks Fifth Avenue downtown chicago, that I want this. I looked down at my Gucci bag and at the lables and designers around me and the city, I saw where I was going and suddenly, these wernt "goals" were no longer asspirations they were my life. I was living in them then and I am living in them today. I realized that my goals were happening all around me that these were the years and the days when they happen, when you make things happen.
You grow up more then you ever will in momments like that. Today is real, third period is essential, high school becomes a training ground, Today transends to tommorow.


How much time can we afford to waste ? How many classes can we skip ? How many days will it take till it's too late ? I dont know, but I know it's not a lot and I know that Today is pavement and so is the next day and the next and someday I'll have made a road, and then, then I will go, then I will take that road. I am Jacob Tobin, and this is my life, and I am struck by it. Hit with it. Moved by it. I had a thought yesterday..that maybe I'll get everything I've ever wanted..that maybe I'll do all the things I aspire to do. And I belived it.



I'm doing everything I want to do. I'm going exaxctly where I want to go. Watch out.
I'll be there..I'm comming

Falling Down

The road.
The signs and signals.
The plan.
Follow it, cherish it.
Want only for its success and its greatness.
Learn for it and want for it
Follow it.
When every bump feels like mountains and cuts stain like bruises. You will love it. .
With every step , I walk towards it. In every breath I take I know Ive lived for it.
This is all I have. When love has left and faith has turned it's back.
I know what I still have.
But with this passion and my great need...I have fear.
I am afraid. To want somthing so badly to see somthing so vividly. To be so close and yet..so far kills me.
I am afraid that I will not achieve it.
Time feels like sand. Momments to grain.
Heavy and sad they fall down beside me. I lay in momments gone and memories past, and I stare up at sand that has yet to fall. Momments I have yet to lived. That is when fear creeps in. To think that it will stop. That the sand will run out.
I can not bare it. I have to have it.
Falling Down.

Dear First.

You have opened eyes that have been closed. You have shown me sight you have allowed realtiy to grab me, shake me and tell me. It's over now there is no more left. I have mistaken the heart for the habit. You had become a kind of habit for me. A ritual for me. Without you it wouldnt have stopped. We are wrong nothing about it or us made sense to me..and hasnt for quite some time. But I couldnt stop wanting you, I couldnt stop craving you I wouldnt stop thinking I loved you. You are not and have not been my first love, but my first obbsession. A feeling so similar to love feelings that are so easily confused.
My need for you wassnt a need it was a habit. You are right. Your eyes are and have been opene and thats the reason for your neglect and your hesitance. Beacause you've know beacuse you could see what I could not. I have but one thank you for you..I thank you for opening closed eyes. And I apprecitate you for that.
At some point it had to stop at some point I had to grow. I've had a relization..




The last and the only. Over with and overgrown.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. Only now, when I stop looking at myself..and I look at you. Some might call me selfish...and I may call myself that. So much time and so much pain can come from someone trying not to be selfish..trying to look for others intrests. Taking care of anothers happiness before your own....beacuse you love them. I love very few...but thouse who I love..I love greatly, I love them with all of me. At some point..our friendship stopped making me happy.. and yet I stayed beacuse our friendship made you happy..but when you make sure everyone you love is happy..when are you allowed to be happy. I thought I would always love you..and I do

and yet....I've stopped.

I have to be happy and I'm so sorry but I've let go. Our friendship has faded and changed with the quickness and strength of the seasons..the same tree and yet...it's cold and it's dead. I'm sorry and your voice moves me...and your face hurts me. I see that your angry that your sad and I look within my own eyes and self...and I am happy. It seems that we can't coincide I love you...but that love has become apart of me...I can't get rid of it so I will continue to keep it. I havnt been sorry for quite some time and I morn for our friendship and it's untimely death.

Who'd of thought...

Fate will twist and we will bend.

Wow baby.

Somthing about tonight, goodbye.
I've said hello a million times but I could count on one hand how many times I've said goodbye.
Not many people, mean enough to say goodbye to.
I've mett you, and for some, I will not care to not see you.
Here or there, it wouldnt faze me with some of you.
But with you, I felt it did.
Your my best friend, and now I find myself shy.
Shy from the title.
Are you my best friend ? We've always been so close, and yet I'm shy.

Maybe it's okay, for us to go our seperate ways. Maybe I'm growing without you.
Maybe I'll live a life without you.
Your still my friend.
You'll always be, but maybe, you wont always be with me.
I can't look at you the same, honestly you were out of line. And I saw who I've been seeing, who I didnt want to see. And now I'm not sure you and I are meant for future.
For stuff and nonsense, maybe for here and now.
I know about the future, for the first time I can see the idea.
I wanted forever for all of you. And I feel strongly that one of you willl be forever.
Why cant you grow ? Why can't you stop being like this, doing things like this.
I've grown and now it's as if everything about you is..small.
I can't bare to deal with your antics anymore. I find them annoying.
You need to start moving, beacuse youve stopped and now your shrinking. Nothing will save you, but people will help you, I just dont want to be one ot them.
I don't want to help you anylonger.
Be my friend for now. For things, have changed.
Like a weed.

So it's been like a year.

I've pretty mush been attached to my Journal. So I havn't really found a reason to post anything...but as I sit in french class..with nothing to do I suddenly find time to say somthing. Well Alix is in Seattle and that makes schoool practically...death. I feel like shit. I look like shit. But besides that, everything is more then on track, everything is fantasic. Once you make school a rutine and you just go with it, without sceaming to skip or complaining about staying, school goes by sooo fast. I've just gottten over hating somthing I have no way out of. In fact school is only going to help me rite now, all I need to do is graduate and I know I can do that. I owe it to everyone around me to do somthing on the path. So I wake up, I take a shower ( not today badddd move ) get dressed do my hair. Get driven to the bus stop and while i wait for the bus I have a cigg. Then i get on the bust listen to my ipod and sleep then i go to school. Pay attention and try my best to do all that is asked of me and then when the bell rings I get on the bus and I listen to my ipod and then I get off and sometimes my mother will be there to pick me and if shes not then i will have a cigg. Then I will walk home and then by at least 4 30 start whatever homework i have and doo as much as i can fucking take. Beacuse even tho i have learned to deal with shcool I HAVE NOT !!! gotten over my haterd for homework. I fucking hate homework and i think that teachers are fucking BULL SHIT for giving students homework. But w.e
The point is thattt i get it, i got it i do what i have to do and then i move on I get out, its that simple...and its that hard. But its do-able and i know i can do it. Tonight i have a pretty big assiment on my hands and its a project due for mrs hendersens class so i need to get my ass into gear. BLLLAAA i'm soo fucking bored ill talk about fucking anything at this point my mind acts like a red bull on a rampage when bored. Give me a keyboard and I'll type even tho it wont make sense.
Soooo today was kinda terrible, and I'm really not looking forward to dealing with homework when i get home or dealing with anything for that matter im just not in the fucking mood. Also i feel fat as fuck from easter yesterday which is even more perfect and Im greasy cuz i didnt take a shower. WHY CANT I LEARN NOT TAKING A SHOWER IN THE MORNING WILL FUCK ME OVERR WHEN IT COMES TO SCHOOL IT ALWAYYYSSSS FUCKKING DOES AND IM SOO FUCKING OVER THAT SHITTTTTT ugh why cant i learn. Its laziness thats the problem. I'm so fucking tired i just give the fuckk up well we are in the last 15 minutes of school and im just looking forward to getting on the bus and getting home i have like a quater of a ciiggggyyy waiting for me and im dying.



SEX AND THE CITY MARATHON WILL CONTINUE i hate school

Your happy and thats great.

"Even IF I COULD, GET YOU BACK I DON'T TRY. YOU WERNT ALL THAT GOOD BUT I LOVED YOU LIKE YOU WERE MINE."
- land of talk

Over it.

Seeing it in print and in picture and in real time..you would think it would have made it worse, but it didnt, I feel better. For a momment I stressed over it i dwelled on it. But then I just dropped it, there isnt anything I will do...anymore.

I will not look for it and I will not beg for it. Beacuse I've some pride left. This reputation I have is silly and stupid..beacuse I am not like that...and tho it might have seemed as if i was...I was never. I was caught up in somthing I didnt understand....and the backlash was even more confusing..The point is I'm over it I'm done. and I will admit that i am without a boyfriend without a love intrest and without being intrested in but no one will ever call me ALONE.. no one can. I am not alone at all I am simply single. And in some ways glad of it. I let things happen beacuse I didnt understand them. I did things beacuse I wanted some kind of standard..I wanted some kind of leverage. So this is it my love life status...It's empty and its pretty much dead. But thats okay beacuse I can revive it.

Hello

It's funny.
Latley all I want to do is sleep.
Sleep and smoke.
Smoke and sleep.
Beacuse everything else just gets me nowhere.
And I wante to think that one day he would find me.
Just beacuse when your not looking its supposed to look for you, find you.
Beaucse thats what everyone tells you.

Knock and you will receive Knock and the door shall open.
Well I've been knocking.

If your out there. You'd really be a great help. I need you rite now.
I need you.
I wouldnt ask you unless I needed you...and I do.
Beacuse all around me they are blooming and they are blosseming. But I am, stunted and I am scared. So if you are out there. Come.
Answer my call.
I'm to proud to look for you
And I'm to proud to admit I was wrong. To admit that its not fair.
That he's happy. That I'm not. That i'm loosing. This has all really just smacked me in the face. and I can't take it.
Once more Hello, if you are out there. If you are there. Please come to me. Come be with me. Beacse I need you beacuse I want you.....

maybe you are there....and maybe it's to far to gong.
and maybe this....
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure
I'm sad.

It's funny.

Where am I going. I really don't know where I'm going anymore. The sad part is I've never thought to ask myself..where I wanted to go and if I wanted to go there..anymore.


Where am I going.

In a house of the small and a home of the wide

I hate it when people make me feel small..I hate it when I dont have control over what belongs to me, over me. I get this sensation of control over myself when I am at home. I feel so mature and so willing and able to do so much, and the concept that I am in control of my own is ever present and ever clear. But then I come here...and suddenly I am without control. Suddenly I am smalll and..stupid. I think its the reality of my age. I hate this place and I hate the way it makes me feel beacuse it reminds me of my age..and the restrictions that come with being so young. Away from here I get this illusion of being older beacuse I do, I do feel much older sometimes, and this illusion fills me and drives me and allows me to take control of me. But them I come here and reality slaps me in the face, I am not in control of anything either that or I am simply not able to control me or anything else for that matter. I find the whole concept of school to be so demeaning.
They assume that I can not multitask that simply having my phone in my lap distracts me to the point where I can not hear, see, move or think. They assume that we are so stupid so dense that even the slightest show of flesh turns us into sex craved beasts and all we can think about is sex. That a hat somehow blocks our brain waves..that with a hat on we are no longer capable of any kind of thought or task. These assumptions are so insulting and so offensive..one cant help but feel small...but act stupid out of a kind of rebel.
On days like today I can't stand it here..more and more schools begin to look like prisons. I hate it here. I want out. I learn here..but for what for why. I am here beacuse I have to get out of highschool...I show up beacuse I want my license. And yet alone at home I do more reading then asked of me and more thinking then the teachers themselves...I am not stupid I am not the type of person to go through my life uneducated and ignorant I love to learn..honestly I do. Maybe not math but besides math I find sooo much of what I am being tought so intresting and to be honest I don't mind the homework....that much. What I mind is this enviorment. What I mind is feeling so small and so stupid.
I hate that teacher...and I wish to god she would just hear somthing just hear someone. She seems to driven for power as if all she can think about is seeming so "in control" and " on top of it" that she can't hear anything. I'm so tired of her being so angry and I'm so tired of not being able to speak...I know I can't speak but I want to soo badly. I wouldnt be mean and I wouldnt be rude....I'd want to but I wouldnt...I would simply tell her how this made me feel what this made me do. Yes I should have respected her more to read the book but she should have made herself respectable. This blog is getting to long I just could go on forever.

At a similar desk in a different class

I think I would give anything to fit in..to save me from days like today. But regardless I am so happy with me and I love me and nothing needs to change about who I am because I like who I am. I like who I am. I just want this day to end

At a desk , in a class

Okay my fabulous book idea that I’m not totally in love with..through more thought I’ve come to the conclusion of something that I find to be quite extreme. I wouldn’t call myself a writer..not any more at least. I love to write and yet in no way do I belive that it entitles me to any kind of title. Althought the fact that I write and I write novels that this would make me a writer..I’m just not sure that is something I want right now. I’m not sure I want the weight of something so massive and something so hard. I find that the title makes me so critical of myself and of my work that at time I am not even able to write a sentence and what this has lead to is a small but great space between me and that title. I’m finding that I like myself enough to be nothing…I don’t need any kind of title any more something to stable me and something to ground me. I’m stable without it and I’m grounded without it. I’m very comfortable being nothing and yet being nothing allows me to be so much. Happily naïve and happily me. I want a life that dosnt require me to think so deeply..I want a passion that allows be me without regulations and without stimulations. Me without strings and without wires me with being with ability and with freedom. I am not a writer nor a philosopher not a preacher not a creater not fashion forward I am simply me. No title not credits no stings and I am more then comfortable and more then capable of some kind of life. I think this is a huge sign of maturity I’m without and yet capable. I don’t have any strings or standards or limits. When I called myself a writer I was constantly at war with surroundings with me doing so much and going so far to defend that title and now I have no requirements. I feel very much like Kate Ashley…and this is a rare comparison as I typically consider myself to be Rachel but none the less I’m feeling very Kate Ashley. As if now metaphorically speaking…I had a life and in the life I felt certain things were so important and not that they were or wernt that did not matter that was my life and that was how it was..even if I was slightly miserable. Then I wake up one morning and I puke and there it is something just feels different something just feels strange and then I come to find that I’m dead and that I have to fight to stay alive and blab la bla and then I find out that I cancome back..that I can be reborn again..but then a thought hits me. I am not sure that I want to come back the same way,…being so dead I was able to see my life in a kind of retrospect and I saw it..and I wasn’t sure I liked it or wanted it. Now that I can come back I’m realizing that I want things to change and that I need things to change. This is my new chance..and this is my new life. I’m going to get my life back. I’m going to get my life back.

I’m in love with Red Garden I can’t wait to go home and watch it.

Cat Power - Wild is the Wind.

Like a leaf clings to a tree.
Baby please cling to me.
We're creatures of the wind.
Wild is the wind.
( speaks to me )

Me

Alter Ego.....

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I was so scared..So I couldn’t anymore.

I wouldn’t anymore.

Let me dumb myself down, let me be any and everything but what that was.

Retrospective ? I think not.

A ticking suicide.

Stupidity is survival.

Stupidity becomes me.