Thats low

Where was I comming form ? I'm not even sure, I guess it was low..and a little to harsh and a little to mean. And yet how can I be sorry for somthing I feel I am entitled to. I am entitled to be angry to be mean and to never be sorry. He took advantage of my youth. For him I was somthing new and somthing else nothing big beacuse it wassnt his frist go around. For him everything meant anything. A bunch of seconds and a chance to a blow a heavy load. But everything meant everything to me. For me, it wassnt just anything it was my everything. My first time feeling somthing I've only seen before, emotions I pretended to feel. That meant somthing to me, he meant somthing to me. I was happy, I was really happy. Now I am forever changed and forever angry, and forever entitled.

Was it low ?
good.

The Tina

People come into our lives for a reason....people also leave our lives for a reason. As I watch another life I think of my own. I wonder for the reason as to why she's gone and why she's here. I can picture it more and more. I can picture it less and less.
We have so much fun..and she and I are so fabulous haha

I wonder for the reason.

Jacob Tobin

I'm moving, keep up. Get on or get off. Move with me or without me. Done.

It might not be the best thing, but it is not the worst.

Look

What happens now is somthing I could never map out. This is somthing massive somthing working and alive. How fast everything will change.
You are no longer apart of my life, by choice you and I have begun to drift apart. It's sad and its unfortunate. I tried but there is only so much one can do alone. One down.
Ever loved, and always with me suddnely you are gone. I have not said goodbye beacuse I know I will see you again. What I don't know is what this means. Your apart of the plan that can not be planned. I wonder if I am changing, I wonder how this will work out. I want you to be with me. I want chicago more then I want anything and yet I worrie. Time is a dangerous thing, how easily it can kill us but how easily it has made us.
New and yet so much of who I am, and who I want to be around. Mature much like me, and with plans with goals. I love being with her and around her, we get along so well it seems. She may be apart of my future...

Look, at whats happend. Look at what could. Hello future goodbye ideals.

What is it

Drenched in denial and saturated by frugal and futile thoughts.
Ever changing and ever wrong.
One wants for one's own success more then one wants life more then one wants death.
This tragic distortion can only give way to death.

Transparent and Silent, I feel.
So bare and yet so concealed.
Make room for a life that will never come.
Spend hours spend days planning something that can not be planned.
It fuels you, this idea is the driving force that compels you to go, to say yes and to say no.
Drop Dead and cheer for you are the workings of an all mighty and all powerful machine.
Speak with no lips, and breath with no lungs.
See with no eyes and think with no head.

Like oxygen anger leaves me.

Even if I wanted too, I couldnt. There had been too much said. Too much done. I couldn't. But I also couldn't deny it. I couldn't deny that he had been on my mind. That when I see them together, all I can think of is him. Him and I together. Our relationship...his current relationship somthing that I thought I was fine with..
Now it seemed that I couldn't handel it. I can't handle thinking of him not thinking of me.
I can't handle this. What was it that always drew me towards hi-....it. Of course I would never dare talk to him..ever again.
This is not to say that I'm having feelings for him. There were feelings and they were there but they were not "the" feelings.

Sad I can't spell.

I'm gone. Without friends without Loved ones. I'm gone. Wasted away and dead. I'm sue thats not me, but how easily it can be. Strong for now. But for how long will I be strong for ? Survival is a choice...honestly I havnt chosen to die or to survive. I'm on the fence I wonder what I'll survive for..then again I wonder what I will die for. A selfish act, this kind of ticking suicide. In time will I let myself die. A worthy cause to survive and yet I wonder if I am capable of it. If I am strong enough for life. I contemplate death in the sense of it being a chance. Will I allow myself to die ? Can I survive ? These questions arise as I drift from reality and fade into fantasy. This direction is one without maps and lacking any kinda of path, a general place with a general destination. I know they both intend for substance.
I'm honest with me and with you. This is whats on my mind. Scary maybe. Morbid, yes. But real nonetheless.
On the fence.

Made of skin, bones and smoke.

Nothing all too sturdy. Somthing unlike concreate. Speaking to be broken. Moving to be fragile.
I can take it I will hold it for as long as need be. I'm able. I can but I wont always want to. For once in my life I want to. I can beacuse I want. I'm telling myself everyday that I've got it. That I can walk when I want. That I'll open my mouth when I want. That I'll like who I want and hate whoam ever I want. Beacuse I've got it and I'm bringing it to me everyday. Strength, touch me and I'll fall. Test me and I'll stand my ground. I've got it. Made of skin, bones and smoke. Not an ounce of muscle. Yet I've got it. Without your muscle I've got it. I will keep this with me. I will walk. I will go when I please and leave when I've had enough. No more of this supply and demand child. Supply and Demand Child has grown, grown into somthing strong and somthing capable. Made of skin, bones and smoke I am strong. Lacking muscle I am strong. I've got it.
Fuck you.

I care what people think about me, even if I dont care about the people.

I don't want this talked about. I'm really offended and upsett.
I'm probally only feeding it and making it worse by trying to stop it. Yet I'm concered about it, the fact that people know about makes me uncomfertable and sad.
It's just somthing I'm honestly ashamed about and somthing that I really didn't want anyone finding out about. The fact that he told anyone is jut really upsetting.
I'm just really upset. I'm really worried that this is going to get out even more and then I'd seriously have to die.
Hide me. Can't bare to be seen.

Supply and Demand Baby

Wear me down. Use me up. Tear me down. I want to feel run down.
Let's go, take me down the road.
Against the blankets on a bed or against the walls of superior. Let's do it Let's go, Let's shrivel up and die.
Run me down, I'm begging you.
I find it all so, so glamorous so fabulous so wonderfully tragic.
Let's go take me where it goes. Take me from where things like that, like this never grow. Let's just....go.
I can feel it in my veins and in your bones. I can see it in your eyes. I can hear it's roar comming down that road.
I know where it all goes..places that I don't want to go. Days that I really dont want to see.
Ignore it with me. Use me up with me. Lay down in my sorrow and in my mess. Let my mistake wrap you up close and keep you safe and warm. Let's do it, let's go wear me down and use me up.
I wanna feel it, I need to touch it. I want to be run down.
Do it. Do it with me. Run me Down.
Supply and Demand Baby.

lifee

A need for Oxygen

in·ad·e·quate
adj. Not adequate to fulfill a need or meet a requirement; insufficient.

Unable to fill these requirments of society I find that only one word can describe me.
Inadequate

On a brighter side of the spectrum I'm okay. I'm getting better at all of this. I'm trying to enjoy my old youth...for that is what this time in my life is for...

I look forward to every single weekend with them. With me.
A need for Oxygen.
Let me breath.

I'll be anything, anyone

I want to know what you feel. I wanna here it. Tell me eveything. Tell me what you feel. Just touch me.
I'll go anywhere any time.
Just take me into what you feel is real and I will beleive it, and I will trust it.
What you're looking at can change. Whatever you don't like. it's gone.
Just make me something. Take me somewhere. By myself I'll go nowhere. I need you to change me. To make me. Create me.
Take your hands and put them behind you're back and touch me.
Touch me. Without you're hands.
I am a bucket. Fill me. Fill me until you can't move me. Spill me. Fill me again.
I am everything you want. And I am nothing you don't.
I'll go anywhere anytime. I'll be anything, anyone.

Just Be Myself

It's hard. To pick just one..I mean there are so many options..I find I never know what one to choose. I'm not very aware of myself anymore. It used to make me feel depressed but now I find that the idea of ones "self" is so transparent. Your seeing but your seeing nothing. It's me. Regardless of its truth or it's depth. It is me..it becomes me. So in this transfaces I am myself...
I am content with this. I am fine with this. This is who I am. You asked for it and I did my best.
Now tell me which one ?

What is this ?

What is going on. Why is this all so hard for you. Why are you trying to hurt me.
I dont understand...when for the past three weeks It seems all I've been saying to you is im sorry.
Yet your still so angry. Saying I'm not myself when I'm around her. I'm never myself. You said so yourself. I'm so frusterated with you. I dont know what I can say or what I can do to get through to you. To make you understand how much I care for you.
Why can't you understand. Why is it so hard for you to see.
There is a difference.
You wont let me know.
You say I wouldnt know as if I'm taking myself out of your life as if I'm not caring about you. When just this past friday I texted you worried. I could tell somthing was wrong and I asked you. You told me nothing, How can I help you when You dont tell me when you need help.
If you were crying. I'd drop everything to be with you.
I would
But she is my freind. I have really grown close to her. I enjoy being with her. You dont have to like her..

I'm trying so hard..I honestly don't know what else I can do. I know that if I stoped being her friend you would like me more and that everything would get a little better. But..how can you ask me to do that..I like being her freind. How can you ask me that. How could you make me choose. This is unfair..and me in this position is horrible.
If your going to fight with me lets fight about You and Me not me you and her. I love you. I'm so fucking pissed with this fucking shit.

Phisycal Aspect

What is left. When every aspect of the heart and mind have been used up. What is left. Hatred is all thats left. Its the last leaf on this tree. All of this went through me went and tore at all that it can offer me. What I'd rather be left isnt. This anger for you only grows. I see no sign of it dying down.
The physical aspect of myself seems to grow. When my words die mid transport when none of them reach you when none of them touch you. This physical aspect of me. It seems to grow..I stare at my small briddle hands and I wonder how much damage they could do to you. I need something that gets to you. Something that stays inside of you telling you..killing you as it kills me. I hate..this is why I've failed. This emotion only shows me what he knew what he saw and used. I'm brittle and weak I was surprised by it by how fast it grew what should have took decades took only days. You knew. This hatred only proves my own inability to walk. To go unfazed. Incapable and inadiqutie..I have to look and I have to think about this side of me. About this side that I've seen in so many others...but never in me. This phisycal aspect of me. Could it get me where I want to go. Could it be that which goes through him that which sticks in him. This Physical aspect of me. I look to for a kind of outlit and a sort of break. The tree has but one leaf...These tools for my body have but one sheet left. Hatred. From this grows this..blindess that I can see. That changes me. What else is left. Left without nothingnes and lacking all that one can respect. I look to this phisycal aspect.

I see

So much of me in her. So much of who I am..who I want to be. I find myself feeling stupid and cocky saying that I see myself in somone so iconic and so amazingly unique and fabulous...but I do I honestly do. I'm sad. The only person on the entrie planet who I feel that comes anything to close to my real self....is dead. With all are similarties I wonder if we share the same fate. Unable to learn from her..will I end up like her...I've known my entire life..although I may not have been able to point out exsactly what the feeling was my entrie life..it's been there. Hanging over me. Standing next to me. This feeling makes me question it. I work so hard to get so little..I work for what isn't there. Somthing tranparent and barley alive..almost dead. Yet I work for it..I work towards it.
Watching this..Watching us create her...I'm sad....I know that what will come of me will come of me. Eventually. I can't run from it...deny it..move past it. It's there. Ever present Ever real Ever....
What do I do for now...under the pressure to blossem I feel as if I will never grow.....


I have made a fool out of me....for this. I am happy.

Lets go go go

Everytime I'm driving. The second I get in the car. There is this feelin, its pulsing. I have this insane need to grab the wheel and take control. Go down the road out of here. Leave I want to go...yet latley it feels more like a need. A must. I have to go. I need to go. And yet I can't go anywhere. But my room. But school. But somewhere but nowhere.
go go go.

Is It ?

Empty and Hallow. So swollen I can't swollow.
Lets not talk.
Lets not hear.
I need to be empty. I crave the feeling of air.
So full and so heavy.
So huge and so scared.
An image distorted or an image been focused.
Lets not talk.
Lets not hear.
I need to be empty. I crave the feeling of air.
Leave it be. And let me alone. This monster is mine. He is my own.
The one that was left.
The one I have kept.
This creature becomes me.
Disorted or clear. It is what I see it is what I hear.
This monster becomes me.
Controls or consumes me ?
Is it the cycle.
Is it ?

Broken English

I lay in my bed watching one of my favorite movies, Broken English. When I realize how amazing the movie really is, how easily I can see her life as my own life in the future...Then another thought comes to mind. This isnt a new thought it's been on my mind since last night when sitting by my window talking to Averie she said somthing to me. To be honest I was a little offended...I was taken aback by her words..and how honest and dead on she was. This thought was surrounding myself.
Sometimes I just get this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to die alone. It's sounds pretty rediculas I know but to be honest is it really? Look at me look at who I am and pay attention to what everyone of my ex boyfriends have said. Some people seem to like the way I look but not the way I am. People or boys in piticular dont seem to like me very much. Honestly I'm not sure I even like myself all that much. Sometimes I'm pleased with who I am..other days like today and some of yesterday..not so much. I think I need to stop trying to appeal to somthing to someone and just try being honest...maybe instead of all the fliring or the antics I should simply tell them the truth. The truth however wouldnt be to appealing and I'm sure it be a turn off but if it was appealng and if it didnt turn them off to much then I would know they liked me for me. Telling them rite off the bat would save them the time of figuring out that I'm a freak. I'm just looking for somone to like me. Not be into me just like me. As a fucking person.

I want out.

I can't breath in school. I feel so stuck like I'm some fucking caged animal. I just want to be. I don't care about finding the correct proof. Or the reason why plants are green. I just want to find shit out about me. Thats all. I just want to grow as a human being. I dont want to feel like I'm a failure or that I'm stupid based of what this report card says. Or what a school tells me. I dont care about grades. I dont give a shit about it. I will learn on my own time. For me. I'm stuck here. I hate tommorow.



This blog was me bitching deal

The Aftermath

I've come down with a slight cold. It's nothing I cant get over in a matter of days I'm sure.
My Birthday went really well, although it did have It's set backs. The day was going well even tho I hated my hair I'm getting it cut tommorow thank god. The entire day I felt to triumphant over myself..turning 16 a whole new age full of new things and new mistakes. I wassnt going to make the same mistakes not again not this year. One of the mistakes said somthings to me that very well could have killed my birthday high but thank god it didnt effect it too much. Alix made me cookies it was so sweet of her. Averie got me 2 packs shes amazing. My mother got me four volumes of red garden !!!!!!!!!!!! Ah fucking mazing seriously all that I wanted. But with my wonderful family that wassnt all I got. My mother and Trissy got me a kick ass camera that I cant wait to use this weekend. My nana got me both caridgans I soo wanted and a 2 books one of them the giving tree that was so sweet. My nanas gifts almost made me cry I have no clue why. My grandpa got me the coolest book ever. Im so stoaked to read it. And ten this weekend I'm going to urban as another part of my bithday gift and thats like ammmaazzingg. But the plans have changed I'm not going with Moodie. She cant go I guess she got in trouble.
I'm pissed at the situation I'm not sure If im pissed at her. I wanted to take her beacuse I wanted to..I wanted to save our friendship for a time we were soo close. Now now were drifting. I wanted to just take her I told averie who reallyy wanted to be with me for my birthday she couldnt come cuz I wanted some alone time with Moodie. Averie wantedd to go. She wasnt excited cuz she was going or cuz it was for urban She just wanted to go cuz she likes being with me and I with her. Averie is my rock. And I told her no for moodie and mines sake. Now Moodie cant go. Now I'm taking Averie who was who I wanted with me in the first place. Moodie and I were fine even tho we wernt seeing eachother but then she did somthing. Somthing that inside I know I'm pissed at her for even tho I know that if I told her she would just get pissed back at. But what she's doing may not be what I think shes doing But through a kind of filter I'm thinking it is. Anyways I'm done trying to be her brother. If you want to see me you take off work you tell me were hanging out cuz despite what she may think My life is always open for her and I will cancel every plan I have for her.


I love Averie My mother my nana and the people who care for me
And of course my ALIIXXX

I Know I Know

What you did. What you've done. How you've touched and fucked up my life. Only now do I realize how much you atchully have affected me. It's scary how wrong I was about myself. I always felt that I would never be the kind of person to act the way I acted. To stoop down to the level of ones I felt were pathetic. Only now do I realize how pathetic I was. How sad and foolish my actions were. I felt I'd always have myself that no one would ever come between the realtionship I have with myself. You did. You came in and you took over I let your needs or what I thought were our needs come before the needs of myself. What I wanted. What I needed. I was so young when we met when we had our first kiss I was only 14. Now that I'm turning 16 its over finally. But how great is that ? Two fucking years of a sad sad me of a sad sad relationship that was so toxic. Where the fuck was my head ? Clearly it fell off..and I'm glad I was able to find it now...better late then never I suppose. I wanted somthing so simple and so...blunt. Either you could give it to me or you couldnt. You should have just told me no. That you wouldnt be able to ever give me what I wanted. Instead you let me think you were giving it to me let me believe that you would give it to me. Why ? All I wanted from you were the feelings I had for you to be reciprocated but you couldnt you wouldnt. Would have been so hard to tell me you couldnt to save me nights and nights of thinking they were coming. That your feelings for me would come soon enough eventually. I cant help but want to just blame you..but my belife in you was my own fault. I just couldnt see that they wernt coming that youd never love me. That you couldnt. Thank you for making me somthing i didnt want to be somthing I never wanted to be. Fucking thanks. Me and Her..We didnt deserve this.. She didnt I didnt. I should be angry with her and him she had to have known we were still an item weve been an item for two years. And yet I have not an ounce of anger towards her. I understand it. I have pounds and pounds of anger for him. He has hurt me and her and others.
One night I lay in bed watching movies..thinking about him..comtemplating his feelings for me what they were and if I was stupid to think he would ever have them for me. Just then I get a text three words I had been hoping he'd say. The text said this I love you. My heart practilly melted it was perfect so out of the blue so random I thought he had to have meant it. Later on I came to find how much he didnt mean it through his own fucked actions..But then only a few days ago She told me. She told me that they had just kissed when he sent the message. He fucking just got done kissing someone else....Thank you.
I Know I Know what went on. Even more reason for me to finally move on....prick

Mrs.Officer

Tommow I'm 16
Today was pretty kick ass I have to admit
I just had a really good day with little to no set backs. Sophie made my life with this joke about me being a jew ( im not jewish ). She gave me the name Jude pronounced ( jew-d ). So fucking funny I could have died of laughter. The day was just one of thouse really amazing ones.
I really hope that my Birthday goes this well.


I have little to nothing to say today infact I find that I have NOTHING to say besdies

Later days

Edie My dear

What a fantastic movie. I just finished it and it was simply amazing. Audrey Hepburn is very captivating almost as cpativating as my idol Edie Sedgwick. I never want to see Breakfast at Tiffanys. I worry that the movie it self cant compare to the poster of Audrey. That poster inspired Edie and at least once every two weeks. I take a good look at that picture I stare at it waiting for what hit Edie to hit me...although I'm not sure what hit Edie so I wont know it if it did hit me but yeah.
Whats been on my mind not only today but yesterday too is the Museum of the Moving Image they did a spectacular showing for Edie in 2007 and I just wish I knew about it...I wish I would have gone... Its all about her and all her films on the big screen again. Ah Just thinking about what it would have been like to see her films in a theater is just absolutley amazing...and yet its gone....so its pointless getting all upset about somthing that happend last year somthing that I missed.But god oh god would i have loved to go.

THE REAL EDIE SEDGWICK MARCH 31-APRIL 8, 2007
Wonderful ! simply Wonderful..ah oh well. When people ask me If i know everything there is to know about Edie...I feel odd telling them the truth as if by saying it they would think that I really dont care about her...the truth is I've only read one biography on her saw two documentorys on her and Ive seen almost everyone of her films minus Restaurant and Kitchen all of Afternoon tho I've seen most of Afternoon. Ive also seen all of her screen test. They are my favorite although most her Andys films of Edie are somewhat like a screen test the screen tests them selves are so much more insightful and as if your talking with her to her its great. But Honestly I dont know it all I know very little. But I feel to love to her to adore everything about her I dont need to know all the facts to have read all the books...if you ask me stupid. I love who she wanted everyone to love.Oh Edie I love you so much. i love you so so so much.
Style icon all the way.


Birthday is Wendsday two more days to go. Well I'm off to watch Some Like It Hot with Marlyn Monroe.

I want to go

Honestly... My goals arnt college, they arnt good grades or a great well paying job as some business this or office building that. I could care less about any kind of a career... What dose that make me stupid ? Why is it that beacuse all I want issnt what one should want. I'm not looking for fame nor whelth I'm looking for happiness and love. I just want to be alive I want to focus on being a human being and growing .For Myself. Not for a grade not for some scholorship but for me I learn for me beacuse I want to know somthing beacuse I just find it intresting or beacuse I just want to exspand my vocabulary or knowledge.
I want to write and I want to find myself one day happy. Waking up to this air and feeling of self peace nothing I can touch or get the highest grade on somthing I can feel somthing I can be. I want to be hit by attraction and then work on or work towards love. ( maybe ) Love isnt a lighting bolt it dosnt just hit you Love is a choice it is a choice to let go and give without getting. To open yourself up to somone in hopes that they do the same and together you both discover love. It wont just hit me..Love isnt somthing that just happens its somthing you allow to happen. To love you have to let yourself be loved. And I want to be loved. I dont know this for a fact of course but I belive it and thats just the same isnst it ?
I'm moving to chicago and living. With my highschool nothings and a job at some clothing store hopefully an Urban Outfitters. I want to meet people and smoke alot of cigarettes. I want to find happiness...and I could very well do this by going to College and working in that Offiice Building but I could also do this by not going to college and not having a real career.
I have goals I have a path..Dont tell me that I'll go nowhere when you dont know where it is I want to go.

It's Great

I just got back from two days with the lovely Alix G. Friday night was kinda a hot mess but I love her so I didnt mind spending the night in with her. I fell asleep watching Harry Potter.....I'm almost always the first to fall asleep...I just dont see the point of staying awake when were already in bed...idk if that makes sense but in my mind when I'm in bed I'm sleeping..so when in bed I'm more apt to fall asleep.
Today I feel like sitting in my room all day and watching LOVE and other disasters. Its one of my favorite movies of all times....I've become a kinda of hopeless romantic I'm afraid to admit and my life seems to be consumed with the thought of love....fuck. This day feels so amazing. Just the rite amount of sunlight is comming in through the blinds and my room is pretty chilly ( ilovethecold ) and I'm in a good mood...although I kind of feel like strangeling someone . Me and my Boyfriend of almost two weeks broke up...I'm glad I was able to come out of that denial. To think that me and him could ever work was just absolutley rediculas were polor opposites. He was rite when he said it was like mixing oil and water..The only thing we have in common is that were gay. But during our honest and mutual break up..he began to insult me.....It made me a little upsett and Then minutes before me and my Boyfriends breakup I was on the phone with my gay friend whos such a great guy. I love talking to him. But then i started thinking about me..and him ( the friend not the boyfriend ) and I realized how jealous I was of him. He's going to be happy and guys are going to like him. I know it i can see it in his future....and I just cant see it in mine. I just have this feeling that I'm going to die alone....haha with cats...and a bunch of cheap romance novels and sad sad sad movies and..ice cream.
I'm so tired of being taken advantage of.. And now that I kind of grew out of that faze of my life I'm just so upset with myself how I could just throw myself around like that. I tried telling myself it didnt mean anything to me and When they walked I acted realived beacuse I thought the last thing I wanted was a relationship for it to mean somthing. Its only now that i realize how much I was used. And how fucked up it was.

It's great when you realize shit like this..just when its to late to fix it oh well " live life"


OH my Birthday is in four days. I cant wait to go shopping

First Time

Saying nothing to somthing is the most relaxing and amazing thing on the planet. I think thats why they invented blonging. Saying nothing to somthing relaxes people. At least it relaxes me.
My Birthday is in 7 days, 7 days until im 16...sadly im not that excited I dont really make a big deal out of my Birthday I just feel so silly asking everyone to celebrate my birth....It just all seems so silly. Plus every Birthday until my 18th just bothers me as if the age is mocking me. Letting me know that I'm still a useless child and still cant buy my lovely Cigarettes. By the way the only thing I'm asking for from my two Best Friends and if your planing on geting me somthing for my Birthday ( tho im sure noone is ) know that a pack of smooths will make me love you. And if you knew me youd know that Cigarettes are the perfect Birthday gift...And Urban Outfitters shoping <5 Speaking of Urban Outfitters for my Birthday im taking Moodie with me to Tampa to do some shoping + dinner and Pf Changs + stoll around downtown Tampa. My other best friend Averie wont be joining but she will be with me ON MY BIRTHDAY the 22. I love Averie so much she is such a huge part of my life..
I have a new Boyfreind hes super cute and super nice. Tommorow before school starts I'm seeing him =) im stoaked.


As for the weekend
THURSDAY = with alix
FRIDAY= with alix
SATURDAY = with the family
SUNDAY = homework