It's funny.

Where am I going. I really don't know where I'm going anymore. The sad part is I've never thought to ask myself..where I wanted to go and if I wanted to go there..anymore.


Where am I going.

In a house of the small and a home of the wide

I hate it when people make me feel small..I hate it when I dont have control over what belongs to me, over me. I get this sensation of control over myself when I am at home. I feel so mature and so willing and able to do so much, and the concept that I am in control of my own is ever present and ever clear. But then I come here...and suddenly I am without control. Suddenly I am smalll and..stupid. I think its the reality of my age. I hate this place and I hate the way it makes me feel beacuse it reminds me of my age..and the restrictions that come with being so young. Away from here I get this illusion of being older beacuse I do, I do feel much older sometimes, and this illusion fills me and drives me and allows me to take control of me. But them I come here and reality slaps me in the face, I am not in control of anything either that or I am simply not able to control me or anything else for that matter. I find the whole concept of school to be so demeaning.
They assume that I can not multitask that simply having my phone in my lap distracts me to the point where I can not hear, see, move or think. They assume that we are so stupid so dense that even the slightest show of flesh turns us into sex craved beasts and all we can think about is sex. That a hat somehow blocks our brain waves..that with a hat on we are no longer capable of any kind of thought or task. These assumptions are so insulting and so offensive..one cant help but feel small...but act stupid out of a kind of rebel.
On days like today I can't stand it here..more and more schools begin to look like prisons. I hate it here. I want out. I learn here..but for what for why. I am here beacuse I have to get out of highschool...I show up beacuse I want my license. And yet alone at home I do more reading then asked of me and more thinking then the teachers themselves...I am not stupid I am not the type of person to go through my life uneducated and ignorant I love to learn..honestly I do. Maybe not math but besides math I find sooo much of what I am being tought so intresting and to be honest I don't mind the homework....that much. What I mind is this enviorment. What I mind is feeling so small and so stupid.
I hate that teacher...and I wish to god she would just hear somthing just hear someone. She seems to driven for power as if all she can think about is seeming so "in control" and " on top of it" that she can't hear anything. I'm so tired of her being so angry and I'm so tired of not being able to speak...I know I can't speak but I want to soo badly. I wouldnt be mean and I wouldnt be rude....I'd want to but I wouldnt...I would simply tell her how this made me feel what this made me do. Yes I should have respected her more to read the book but she should have made herself respectable. This blog is getting to long I just could go on forever.

At a similar desk in a different class

I think I would give anything to fit in..to save me from days like today. But regardless I am so happy with me and I love me and nothing needs to change about who I am because I like who I am. I like who I am. I just want this day to end

At a desk , in a class

Okay my fabulous book idea that I’m not totally in love with..through more thought I’ve come to the conclusion of something that I find to be quite extreme. I wouldn’t call myself a writer..not any more at least. I love to write and yet in no way do I belive that it entitles me to any kind of title. Althought the fact that I write and I write novels that this would make me a writer..I’m just not sure that is something I want right now. I’m not sure I want the weight of something so massive and something so hard. I find that the title makes me so critical of myself and of my work that at time I am not even able to write a sentence and what this has lead to is a small but great space between me and that title. I’m finding that I like myself enough to be nothing…I don’t need any kind of title any more something to stable me and something to ground me. I’m stable without it and I’m grounded without it. I’m very comfortable being nothing and yet being nothing allows me to be so much. Happily naïve and happily me. I want a life that dosnt require me to think so deeply..I want a passion that allows be me without regulations and without stimulations. Me without strings and without wires me with being with ability and with freedom. I am not a writer nor a philosopher not a preacher not a creater not fashion forward I am simply me. No title not credits no stings and I am more then comfortable and more then capable of some kind of life. I think this is a huge sign of maturity I’m without and yet capable. I don’t have any strings or standards or limits. When I called myself a writer I was constantly at war with surroundings with me doing so much and going so far to defend that title and now I have no requirements. I feel very much like Kate Ashley…and this is a rare comparison as I typically consider myself to be Rachel but none the less I’m feeling very Kate Ashley. As if now metaphorically speaking…I had a life and in the life I felt certain things were so important and not that they were or wernt that did not matter that was my life and that was how it was..even if I was slightly miserable. Then I wake up one morning and I puke and there it is something just feels different something just feels strange and then I come to find that I’m dead and that I have to fight to stay alive and blab la bla and then I find out that I cancome back..that I can be reborn again..but then a thought hits me. I am not sure that I want to come back the same way,…being so dead I was able to see my life in a kind of retrospect and I saw it..and I wasn’t sure I liked it or wanted it. Now that I can come back I’m realizing that I want things to change and that I need things to change. This is my new chance..and this is my new life. I’m going to get my life back. I’m going to get my life back.

I’m in love with Red Garden I can’t wait to go home and watch it.

Cat Power - Wild is the Wind.

Like a leaf clings to a tree.
Baby please cling to me.
We're creatures of the wind.
Wild is the wind.
( speaks to me )